What If You Could No Longer Eat

When I was a younger nurse, working in the hospital, I had occasionally taken care of patients who had traumatic injuries. They had damaged some part of their gastrointestinal tract and were on special nutrition, either tube feeds or parenteral, through a special IV. Usually, it was short term until the injuries healed.

Trigger warning! One young guy had sustained a shot gun blast to the face and despite dozens of surgeries, would never eat food again. He would forever need liquid nutrition through a tube surgically implanted into his stomach. I often took care of him on his many admissions. He was the most upbeat, kind guy! I never understood how he accepted this lifestyle.

Now that I am struggling with several chronic conditions, I have been struggling to eat. I developed abdominal pain after eating in 2019. It was only intermittent back then.

Each year it has become more frequent and more intense. I have now had a 45-pound weight loss. Initially it was thought to be one of my autoimmune diseases and I was started on very high dose steroids. That decreased the pain.

Eventually, I was unable to eat food at all. Working with a dietitian helped me find a “temporary fix” of making a protein shake that I could tolerate. Finding a commercial one that was soy and whey free, low fat and low fiber proved to be impossible. When a week turned into several weeks, we needed to add carbohydrates and tiny amounts of easily digestible fat.

I continued to lose weight and was never completely pain free. Something so simple as eating, something most of us take for granted, seemed so distant.

Drinking those shakes became a chore. I started to dislike the taste, the process of making them and had to psych myself to both make and drink them. I kept thinking about my patient of many years ago and how he was so upbeat. I needed to channel his positivity.

Finally, I was referred by one of my physicians to yet another specialist, 3 hours away. She looked at my clinical situation with new eyes and did more testing. This test ruled out one of the biggest concerns.

She then initiated a steroid taper as a start. The biggest joy is she is allowing me tiny amounts of bland food. After 6 weeks of no food, the pleasure of one spoonful of peeled, steamed yellow squash was utter ecstasy.

I will never again take eating for granted. I have always been health focused and seen food as fuel for my body. Now it will always be both fuel and pleasure.

I hope my new specialist can determine the cause of the abdominal pain. Advancing my diet is the goal. I have been visualizing yummy meals since I am Italian and love to cook. Getting back in the kitchen to whip up some of my favorites is my dream now.